This year Hogmalion was elbowed out of the Fortune 500 by the slender breadth of a supermodel pinky. The result, however, was only a stronger commitment to you - valued Hogmalion customer. And with your help, up from the tangled wreckage that is Hogmalion's financial portfolio, we will rise like the legendary Phoenix.

Hogmalion's primary commitment is to bringing you one-of-a kind, hand-crafted gifts that say "Look at me - I'm half hog, half Buddha." You can't, after all, buy Hogmalion gifts in just any old shop; only in shops that carry Hogmalion gifts - and that's a promise! Whether you're looking for that special holiday gift for the person who has nothing, or else just going on a spree with a stolen credit card, Hogmalion is for you. And by "you," I mean "me." Hogmalion is for me. But - for just one brief and shining moment - let me be you, and then may generosity ring out across this glorious land.

If you like what you see, pick a little something up for yourself. In fact, that's Hogmalion's motto: "Pick a little something." Actually, it's not; it's "Pearls for Swine," but that's not important right now. What is important right now is that you tell a friend about Hogmalion, and not just one friend, but all of your friends; and not just your friends, but people you don't even know, folks on the bus and such. Wouldn't you share the news if you found out that our drinking water was laced with biotoxins? (And it is, by the way; but you've been enjoying it this long; it would be silly to stop now.) Generous reader, it is you, the proverbial wind beneath our proverbial wings that creates the proverbial lift, which will allow us to soar to new heights, reached only by the strongest eagle and maybe a few flyaway Mylar balloons.

But don't just pick a little something up for yourself; do the bulk of your holiday shopping - right now! And bookmark this site, so that you never miss celebrating a calendar event with vim and/or vigor. Hogmalion hits all of the Hallmark holidays, and even throws in a few of their own. Whether it's Valentine's Day or Fourth of July, Nopantsmas (the pagan feast celebrating the release from pants) or Jeffrey Dahmer's birthday, Hogmalion is here for you, with a card or a gift that says, "Yeah, it's a few days late. Shut up!"

The point is, Hogmalion is here for you. And by here, I mean there - out there in the wild blue yonder (or whatever color you imagine your yonder). Reach out to us, and we will reach out to you. [It'll be like that Michelangelo ceiling painting, except that we won't be naked; unless, of course, we are naked, in which case we might be sunburned, or arrested, depending on where all this reaching out is going on.] The point is, hand us a couple of bucks and we'll hand you twenty minutes of fun. That's only six dollars an hour - a lot less than a babysitter, or a hooker (but not, probably, one of those babysitter/hookers; I imagine they're pricey). No, but really, the point is, Are you going to buy something or not? Because, I mean, I could go on all day here about Hogmalion's business philosophy, and the myriad charities we support, and the myriad lies we tell about charities we don't actually support, but that would be assuming that you actually cared. And we all know what happens when we assume - we take for granted, or suppose - and we might be incorrect in that assumption. So, what am I saying? I'm saying, get out your freakin' wallet, baby, and start livin'!